Living life…. or a life ready to be lived….

I’m not sure why or when I kind of stopped living my life. I think it was over some time. Slowly I found myself detaching from my friends & before I knew my ‘life’ became something it never had been before…. It became a beige network of work and thinking taking a holiday every year was having a life.

It’s not like I was unhappy, or maybe I was…. To be honest I don’t know. I guess I found a different kind of happiness being alone.

Now before you all start feeling woe is me and playing the small violins it wasn’t like I was one of the kids from flowers in the attic…. I was still out there having fun but not how I feel life was built to have fun.

I think sometimes what we do is we create these impressions on what life is meant to be…. When people ask us how we are how many times do you reply with good thanks when really the answer is ‘I am completely fuked up & I don’t know what the hell I am doing with my life, but I have my health so I guess I am doing alright” (enter thumbs up emoji here).

When covid came to town it turns out the whole lockdown thing was what I had been doing…. Nothing changed, in fact had I known covid was coming I could have written the book how to isolate #101….

So I did what any 40 something single white (tanned) female would do…. I had a mental breakdown…. I full blown Tony Soprano moment… & you know what it felt good. I was uneasy and uncomfortable, and it was what my life needed to let me begin to live again. Mid break down I messaged my best friend and as always, she came to my rescue. & then we did what any non-normal person do after one of us has a breakdown, took an acid trip.

Now I know people think drugs are bad & it’s what causes the synapses in the brain to make us become unable to live in this world but hallucinogenic can, f you allow them, help to open that part of your brain that you may have closed the door on…. I will expand on this another time….

I began to feel free again, I started to socialise (keeping in mind social distancing…. Although there was that covid fling…. But yea that’s another story we will touch on sometime)…. I started to remember what living was about.

Living is what you make it, it’s not determined…. The meaning of living via the dictionary is ‘the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type’. Well that specific type can be whatever the fuk you want. For me though I was done with my specific type of living & was ready for a new one, or maybe just a rebranded style on the one I already had.

Covid was a big bag of mouldy dicks that we didn’t’ see coming nor have any chance to pack our bags & fly away from. It turned life upside down. For me it was a blessing, it taught me life is short & we only have one & blah blah blah…. At the end of the day though what I have taken so far from covid is regardless of what the fuk is going on in your life, it is your life, & you can live it any damn fukin way you want. Life is full of changes, new paths, new friends, new lovers, new tastes & smells.. how you decide to live your life is your decision alone.

If I didn’t have the breakdown & if covid didn’t’ come who knows what my life would be like…. But what I do know is that I am ready to live it a different way & bring back things that I used to love in my life like annoying all you cunts with my blog. So yea it’s a celebration bitches because I am back!