The Only thing needing validating is my parking

So my last uni exam is in a few days & the plan was to study all day today but with most good plans when it comes to life shit we must do it never comes that easy. So instead I watched a B-grade action flick, went grocery shopping for all the things I didn’t need & tested out some new gins I bought… oh & masturbated; but if you are any “normal” functioning hooooman that’s a given for the daily chores anyways so…. Whatevs.

So I was drinking some gin outside with my cat Ziggy (full name Ziggy Stardust Hubert Reginald) & as I watched him starring down two willy wagtail birds mating & thinking how much he would love a meal of bird for dinner it got me thinking about the time some guy expected me to validate myself on an online dating website. Now before I get into the nitty gritty of this I know most of you are puzzled how I came to this brain thought…. Well all I have for you is why the fuk not.. insert the hands in the air blank stare emoji here….

Ok so online dating…. Now I know everyone has mixed feels about it. Mostly it comes from those who have never used it because they have never had too or those that think they never have too. But let me share a little secret about online dating with you fickle little peeps…. Online dating is literally real-life dating but on crack; what you achieve in one night drunk at a pub then maybe two dates in you can achieve in 4 minutes to 2 hours.. wham bam thank you ma’am & it is either next! or let’s meet for a fleshy mcflesh actual touchy mctouch face date.

Before I touch on my online dating record I would like to state that I have had many good friends use it & I have quite a few what I call non blood nieces & nephews from these & have been to weddings so full with love from a chance online meeting that I have woken up in my own vomit cause I was celebrating their love so hard cause it was the love to end all loves (obviously the vomit was caused by the over the top love fest & not the bottle of tequila consumed & the lack of memory dancing on a table, or licking the grooms mothers face; although this was not an internet related wedding merely me being.. well me…. Anyways let’s save that for another blog).

So let’s now delve into my experience of internet dating…. Too be honest it’s been beige as fuk…. Most barely make it past 4 days of chatting or let’s face it the inaugural coffee date. Yes people I am the person that goes for the morning coffee date. Why you ask, well why not? Plus also someone who is good on paper with words isn’t necessarily good in person. Not everyone (unlike myself) is good in both forms of communication, & coffee allows for no outside obstacles such as alcohol or random friends to turn up at the pub you just so happen to be having a drink at; & all that is left is you & them & who you are mid-morning before life generally kind of starts for most.

When it comes to online dating it’s also a little Russia roulette on what the other might look like. Myself I won’t swipe right to anyone who doesn’t have photos cause let’s face it human trafficking is a thing & as much as I would make some underworld lord happy I kind of enjoy living my mundane life every day. Online dating is literally a night at the pub where you are scanning the room for someone you are physical attracted too. Most relationships are built on physical attraction. There are those that are built from a friendship & from there the attraction builds, I should know that’s what my ex & I built our relationship from. I didn’t think he was good looking but months of hanging out in the same circle things progressed.

So when you are drunk at the pub or if you are set up on a blind date via friends this is what happens…. You meet, you look the potential up and down, you chat & either all the elements line up & sparks fly or perhaps some elements do & you decide to give it another crack to see if you can find some sort of sparkle or you send them the message letting them know you aren’t interested or in most male cases you ghost them (ooooh yea I opened a can of worms there didn’t I my MALE commraddddddddssssss). Anyways that is exactly how online dating works. Sometimes they look just like their photo but sometimes they don’t which let’s face it it’s just like a lucky dip, you never know what you are going to get but either way you are surprised.

Now the other day I had something happen that I have never encountered. Now before everyone starts forming their opinions I don’t internet date all the time, I am sporadic, there is no pattern, there is no trends, it generally happens when I am bored, hormonal, doing a poo or for no reason at all…. I am not desperately seeking Susan (metaphor people I love the dick) but if it walked or typed (see what I did there) into my life & it was a shakkas worthy moment then I would have a decent crack & give it a go….with saying that it could already be in front of me but I haven’t given it the actual chance yet…. Anyhoo back to what I was saying… So I was bored the other night & doing the old swipe-a-roo & I matched with what I thought was a decent specimen…. We got a chatting & all was good until he started talking about how he had trouble lately trying to find someone compatible because girls were putting images up of themselves in their profiles in their “prime” & when he met them he was disappointed.

At first I had a little giggle because I have been on many dates with guys I call decepticons…. You can read between the lines on that I don’t need to explain. Anyways I went into my explanation about when you get to know someone & you end up finding them attractive blah blah blah. I also explained that just because someone doesn’t look like their filtered or somewhat older photo it doesn’t mean that you won’t find them attractive. He did have a point cause a I said I have been disappointed on dates before but its online so you take what they post as the real deal; but in real life what you see is what you get but the inside bit might not always connect…. I guess when it comes to it online dating & meeting someone in ‘real’ life is same same but opposite.

Anyways our conversation got to him asking me for a full body photo of myself. Now there are 5 photos of me online he can look at but he wasn’t content because they were of my shoulders up (would like it known that there is a photo of me with my top of cleavage up so fuk you shallow man). I said no, he said he wasn’t asking for a naked photo; so if I sent one of myself wearing a moo moo that would have been ok (dumb fuk). He sent a naked torso photo of himself as if I needed validation on how he looked…. Was I impressed; no I was seething but also laughing at the fact that there are those out there that regardless of who you are as a whole will take you on a moment; I don’t want a moment I want forever.

Physical, emotional & mental attraction isn’t built on having the perfect body, I mean what exactly is that anyways…. I know that the men I find attractive are different to the ones my best friend finds attractive. Having to validate oneself to someone is not cool, never allow yourself to become someone’s maybe. You don’t interview for a relationship it happens because all the elements somehow regardless of how hard it happens eventually collide & explode in the most fukng amazing colourful mess ever; Someone is going to fall in love with your double jointed little toes & little belly over hang & if they don’t stress less cause it just gives you the extra time in life to have sex with anyone you want.

I would just like to also add that the last three guys I dated I did not meet online but through different channels; online dating I guess in a way perhaps could make me a greedy person but I kind of just see it as covering ALL my basis & then some.